And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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