U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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