So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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