Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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