So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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