P.S. I can't hear my feet
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
