Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
