i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
