I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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