This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
