she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
