We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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