At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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