yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
