Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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