dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You were trust falling into bushes
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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