i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
