dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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