like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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