I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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