I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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