there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
only you would photoshop your dick
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize