jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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