Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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