that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
