Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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