So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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