a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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