Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
