Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
