did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Randomize
