I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My feet surprised me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize