You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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