: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
