He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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