ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
