my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
