So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
