a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
