It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
