I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
