I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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