ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
