She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
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