Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize