Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
