after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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