So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
