i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
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