the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
