True but thats because hes a fetus.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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