Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize