i need an iv and a liver transplant
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
