She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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