You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
