turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize