Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I am midnight drunk by noon
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
