so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize