I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I need a beard to bite.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
