I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize