Can i not drive my cunt home
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
