a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
