My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
