i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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