Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
