remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
