I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
