dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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