I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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