just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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