im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize