I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
