i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
