Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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