I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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