Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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