My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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