Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My feet surprised me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
