I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
