I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize